Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
