We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
