Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize