he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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