I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
