Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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