I want to have your abortion
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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