I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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