new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize