im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
home. puking in laundry basket.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
