So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
