Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
