Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
