I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
