I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
