guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
