Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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