i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
