I just cut my nipple shaving
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
