the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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