So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He called his prostate his "boner button".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize