I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
