drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
