sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
