yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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