your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
