I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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