My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
