I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
