I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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