I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
