drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
