i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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