Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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