considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
