i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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