Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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