I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
