I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
