I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize