Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
