you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize