Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
