my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
