Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
