Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
