i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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