you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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