I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
