Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize