you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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