Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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