So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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