I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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