Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
