My sheets look like a crime scene.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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