that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
