You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
