Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
