What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
