how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
