I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
