cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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